Dennis Benson

One of our allotments gang stays well clear of our endless chatter about issues of the day. Jim retired some years ago, at which time he decided to discontinue watching TV news bulletins and to forsake all newspapers. I remember his insistence that they serve only to depress and his strategy seems to have worked since, unlike the rest of us, he always appears serene and unruffled, interested only in those things that he can directly affect. I was reminded of this last night when I tuned in for my daily dose of misery.

The Metropolitan police stand accused of accepting huge hand-outs from a private investigation company prepared to pay cash for inside information. Another story implied that million sof Olympic tickets are available from touts. The head of the UK border force warned that he cannot rule out four hour waits at airports during the Olympics. Three former executives of Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers, Messrs Myler, Crone and Hinton, have been referred to the Commons Standards and Privileges Committee, accused of misleading parliament. The IMF has demanded a Plan B to resolve our economic nightmare. The Lib Dems are dismayed at Tory plans to lock up hooligans.

The entire news seemed guaranteed to ensure that I hit the pillow feeling like a guy who has lost his winning lottery ticket. Even the piece revealing that Nick Clegg believes that our number one priority is gay marriages failed to encourage a feeling that those holding the reins of the runaway horses know excatly what they need to do as the cliff looms.

But the most worrying piece of all concerned dear old Uncle Vince Cable. During the election campaign he came across to many as the only honest bloke amongst the lot of them, and one who knew what had to be done. Later, when in office, he was the only one to spot what was going on with Murdoch. He ‘fingered’ Brooks, Cameron, Hunt and the rest long before the rest of us cottoned on.

Sadly from that day on he has been less than popular with the posh boys. And now the biggest donor to the Conservative party has accused him of being a socialist. One imagines Adrian Beecroft gathered around a candlelit long oak table with our dear leader and his cronies. Over the brandy he asks what can be done to rid us of this bald-headed pest. No chance of having our News Corp pals dig up a scandal for Uncle is too old for such diversions. Suddenly someone comes up with a wizard wheeze, lets ask the Daily Telgraph to brand him a socialist, after all the last real one was Aneurin Bevan and he ended up being very unpopular. And so it came to pass.

In fact the Daily Torygraph has gone even further. Today’s main headline reads ‘Socialist Cable not fit for office’. That makes him even worse than Bevan, who did at least dream up the once efficient NHS. And what is it that the nation’s favourite Uncle has done this time?

He has described a report from multi-millionaire Beecroft as “bonkers”. Which is exactly what it is since it includes, amongst other far-right ideas, the one of legislating for employers to fire workers at will without compensation. Even our dear leader realised that this is hardly a vote-winner and had the published version doctored to exclude the zaniest parts. Sadly for him someone leaked a copy of the original.

Mr Beecroft is living proof that if you pay enough you can command obedience from anyone on this earth. Since Uncle has resolutely refused to so much as meet him he is not happy, yesterday he complained that the Conservatives are “hugely held back by the Lib Dems”, and went on to ask why the hell Uncle Vince was Business Secretary.  

For those who regard Vince Cable as second only to Stonehenge on the list of British treasures this is all rather alarming. As tensions about the unending cock-ups by the coalition mount attacks on his ancient frame will do likewise. How long will it be before his ancient structure begins to crumble? The fledgling PUV ( Preservation of Uncle Vince) society must step up its recruitment and funding before it is too late.

Honest politicians are becoming extinct and Uncle is past the point of breeding. Perhaps we should have him stuffed and placed in the foyer of the Natural History Museum as a reminder of what might have been! Chicken-keepers would come from all ends of the earth to pay homage to the greatest feather-ruffler of them all!

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THOUGHT FOR TODAY;  “When a man tells you he got rich by hard work, ask him whose.”….George Bernard Shaw

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