Dennis Benson

The biggest spy swap since the Cold War kept us ferret-breeders entertained as we waited for the Spain versus Holland showdown consoled only by the fact that there will be one Brit on the pitch, albeit the referee. In fact it encouraged those of us currently making regular visits to the Job Centre to wonder just how one goes about becoming what is now referred to as an agent. Appetites were whettened by the terms on offer, the Kremlin having announced that those returning would be offered appartments for life and up to £2000 per month living allowance.

That presumably is a low rate since the people returning to Russia are clearly low-grade, the ten having been accepted as a job lot in exchange for just four heading the other way. And it is easy to undertsnad that since they all seem to have been engaged in obtaining information that could easily have been gained at the local libraries collection of social surveys. In fairness they seem to have worked hard because many neighbours gave evidence of having seen them photographing milkmen and paper-boys but the use of it all has to be open to question.

John Le Carre, who knows a thing or two about the noble art, has described those nicked in the United States as ‘spy-babies’ equipped with magic dead-letter boxes and microdots. He also raises an interesting point. Whose great cause did they think they were serving? Were the ghosts of Russia’s past whispering to them? Were they dreaming of Josef Stalin’s second coming or the Tsars of the Holy Russian Empire brought alive?

Once upon a time spies had motives. There was capitalism and there was communism. You could choose who to serve. Yes there was also the blackmail, the sex, and the feeling of getting your own back when you had been passed over for promotion but deep down there was a cause. But now there is just Mother Russia and Mother America, two huge continents out of control drowning together in the oily waters of capitalism. Presumably spying is now just a job, not a vocation.

All that apart some of my colleagues in the allotment shed are displeased at the announcement that one of those shipped off by the Americans has applied to come her to do her spying. Why she feels the need to apply when anyone can just walk in is another matter, but in essence my pals feel that it is unfair. In the Premiership foreign players keep our own out of the game and now in spying the same is to be allowed. Prepostorous and anyway we can tell Putin all he needs to now about our milkmen without his having to subsidise the Home office whose budget no longer allows for such things.

The sad thing is that when spying would really be useful it is never available. Take the scandal of Deepcut barracks. Four young recruits were the subject of fatal shootings there and to this day there is no logical explanation. Shortly before the election the father of one received a letter from Nick Clegg criticising the government’s refusal to allow a full inquiry. And the Lib Dem’s then shadow armed forces minister, Nick Harvey, also slammed the government for failing to take action to ‘get to the bottom of these tragic events’. Now Harvey is the actual armed forces minister and, in true Lib Dem tradition has changed his mind.

All that is known is that at the time of the deaths Deepcut was alleged by some to be out of control with vulnerable young trainess exposed to bullying. Hopefully the Courts will eventually order an inquiry but in the meantime it is an example of an area of activity where good old fashioned spying or whistle-blowing might be of benefit rather than a modern version of a Brian Rix  farce.

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NEWS HEADLINES;  Nick Clegg has remarked that coalitions are here for good and we have seen the last of the two party system.  XX  Lib Dem leaders in Liverpool have warned of a mass desertion of the Party by disillusioned members and elected representatives.  XX  The VAT rise will cost charities £150 million according to the Charity Tax group.

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THINGS I DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL YESTERDAY;  Four million men were demobbed between  June 1945 and December 1946.  XX The Mini , designed by Alec Issigonis, was launched in 1959 at a retail price of £497.By 1965 one million had been sold!

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