Dennis Benson

Now we have monsoons to contend with! Not real ones of course, but enough of the wet stuff to make Albert’s joints ache, and the hens to adopt a marine like appearance and a decidedly spiteful diposition. This winter has seen us sliding and splashing in equal measure and we love neither. But come next Monday some of us will be in hot water too. Forgetting to at least buy some flowers at the filling station does tend to suggest to our better halves that February 14th no longer carries the magic that it once did.

And magical it once was. I remember my first hand-made Valentine card which I secretly slipped thorugh the letter box of Betty’s house. As I recall the verse was copied from someone else’s work; ” Roses are red, Violets are blue, They are sweet and so are you”. Doesn’t sound too sophisticated now, but we were only ten at the time. 

It may have been with people like us fogies in mind that the Rosemere Cancer Foundation has come up with a superb idea. It has decided to make Valentine’s Day it’s big event of the year and to remind everyone that we all have, or once had, a Valentine. It may be a day to send an unsigned card to a young man or lady, but it may be one to remember that however long we have been manacled togther, deep down we have a true and long-loved Valentine. Or it may be an occasion to remember in our hearts those we have loved and lost.

The Rosemere Cancer Foundation makes a huge contribution to the fight against cancer in northern England and income resulting from this unique approach to marking what for many seems something long gone will appropriately go toward the purchase of more cancer-fighting equipment which the NHS budget cannot stretch to. So I for one shall go along to the first ever grand Rosemere celebration of Valentines Day.

This is to be held in Blackburn Cathedral where an evening of music for all ages will take place. Hopefully it will be an interesting and moving experience. In my case the very fact of going to such an event for the first time in 55 years will, I suspect, make it feel like a renewal of vows even if the male voice choir is singing ‘Please release me’!  

Blackburn may be outside of your travel area but there is no law against you raising a glass with your Valentine, or in memory of one that once shared your joys and sorrows.

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            NEW CRIME INITIATIVES ARE AS DAFT AS THE PREVIOUS ONES!

When Tony Blair announced his plan to march arrested tearaways to the nearest cash machine he was quite rightly derided. It was but the first of many schemes supposedly aimed at bringing our town centres under control. All of them, including Asbos, failed utterly.

When a Conservative-dominated government took over many of us believed that there would now be a real crackdown on those who make our streets unsafe, real deterrents. Sadly Home Secretary Theresa May has announced replacements which are every bit as daft. It seems that when the police are trying to restore order and are dealing with extreme anti-social behaviour, they will be entitled to confiscate iPods, stereos and other such gadgets.

Some deterrent! The hardened lout will simply steal some more and will go on laughing at the police. And it will probably turn out that the confiscated property is not owned by the offender anyway.

There is only one way in which order will be restored. Arrests followed by an appearance before magistrates who have a range of real punishments available. And one of these must be loss of freedom, not cleaning police cars as suggested by the saintly Theresa. A number of detention centres run by ex-military RSMs would persuade the thugs that it is better not to re-offend.

Mind you Ms May’s plan to get rid of 20,000 bobbies may make arrests of any kind difficult !

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY; ” Men are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives”…Marilyn Monroe  “I blame my father for telling me about the birds and bees. I was going steady with a woodpecker for two years”….Bob Hope   “All my mum told me about sex was that the man goes on top, and the woman goes to the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds”…..Joan Rivers   “The thing most women like in bed is breakfast”….Robin Williams  “My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask she objects”….Les Dawson     ”On my 80th birthday, I felt like a 20-year old. But there wasn’t one around”….Milton Berle    “Kissing Edwina Currie was like kissing a can opener”…..Godfrey Barker    “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home”….Phyllis Diller    “Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery”…Denis Norden     “If your parents never had children the chances are you won’t either”…..Dick Cavett    “My mother from time to time puts on her wedding dress. Not because she’s sentimental but because she gets really far behind with her ironing”….Brian Kiley   “When a man steals your wife there’s no better revenge than to let him keep her”…..Sacha Guitry   “They’d eat a worm if I gave it a French name”……Daphe Moon   “Gentility is what’s left over from rich ancestors when the money has gone”….John Ciardi   “I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody that matters” …..Simon LeBon

ANSWERS TO YESTERDAY’S QUIZ;    1.Ballet dancer   2.Nancy Mitford

TODAY’S QUESTIONS;    1.  Who was the British inventor of radar (died 1973)?   2.  What sort of vehicle was a Lunokhod?

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