Dennis Benson

The Daily Express, which seems to have replaced Lady Di by the weather as a front-page feature, tells us that we are heading for a heatwave. The suggestion lifted spirits on the allotments this morning, for day after day of dark skies overhead and mud underfoot have gradually converted a cheerful bunch of old codgers into a mass version of Victor Meldrew. And the massed ranks of chickens seem similarly inclined, unlike ducks they don’t enjoy the wet stuff.

Once we had spent our usual couple of hours scraping up muck and shouting angrily at both the hens and each other, we settled in the shed for a brew. First topic up was the Olympics and the fact that there are still thousands of unsold tickets, that annoys somewhat those of the gang who devoted yonks to placing unsuccessful bids. However we quickly tired of Lord Coe, and all his works, and turned to Britain’s number one soap opera, the Royal family.

We were prompted by a new opinion poll carried out by Ipsos MORI. It shows that the anti-monarchists, who get so much press coverage, are in a very small minority. Only 13 per cent were in favour of a republic, the lowest proportion for 20 years. A whopping 80 per cent want to remain subjects of the Queen. Support for the monarchy was highest among the over-55s, at 88 per cent, but even in the 18-24 age group 73 per cent favoured the present system.

The poll also showed that the Midlands was the most loyal part of the country, with 89 per cent preferring the monarchy to a republic, compared with 77 per cent in the North and 76 per cent in the South.

A spokesman for Ipsos MORI said; “Since the Royal wedding the publicity the Royal family has received has been phenomenal, particularly for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The resulting jump in support of five percentage points since the royal wedding is very pronounced”. And therein lies part of the explanation for the seemingly endless support for the monarchy. For vast numbers the Royals are the most revered soap opera of them all, and we Brits adore soaps, the perfect escapism, a way to live ones life through the supposed lives of others. How else does one explain the mass hysteria at the death of Princess Di or the equally hysterical obsession with Kate Middleton’s bum? 

There is of course another factor. In a constantly changing, and often insecure world, even those who espouse soaps treasure continuity. And the Queen has provided this in great measure. Over 60 years of great change she has provided a constant background, a reminder that at its heart our society doesn’t change, is always there for us. And the us is important, there is no question of political allegiances. We hear a lot about the ‘posh boys’ at the top, but in a strange way the Royals, the poshest of them all, are seen as of the people.

When I was a boy my Gran was typical of most of her generation in seeing the King as an earthly version of God. She once stood within yards of him and for the rest of her days treasured that moment above all others. Few now interpret the monarchy in that way, but only this week when the Queen and the Duke visited the Burnley area thousands jostled for just a glimpse.

We codgers like to think of ourselves as rational beings. Logic tells us that revering an unelected head is irrational, that the Royals are merely hman like the rest of us, albeit a somewhat more privileged version. But we are totally in support of the concept of a monarchy. Why? Because, as the Duke of Edinburgh once pointed out, their great value lies in what they prevent. The alternative would be a President and people such as Blair and Cameron on the balcony of Buck House!

Not a pleasant thought is it? Both prime ministerss have proved to be secretly coorupt in their dealings with the Murdochs. Both have used the honours system as a means of boosting party funding. Both have lied to the nation, or failed to reveal what they should have revealed. That is how politicians are now, and they have lost the trust of the people. If they, or any other politician, were head of state the nation would more easily flounder and split asunder.

Had I written this just days ago I would have added that the Queen has never put a foot wrong in sixty long years. Sadly she did just that this week by including some extremely dodgy characters in her Jubilee reception for monarchs from across the world. But doubtless she was advised by the hopeless Foreign Office, and in any case who amongst us has not erred more than she has?

So forgive us if we don’t dress up in cardboard crowns or applaud Lords in ermine, but condemn us not for we are just as fervently in support of Her Majesty, albeit for slightly different reasons!

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THE WORLD OF FOOTBALL;   “He has won six million dollars in as many years”…Rob Lee, Sky Sports 2    “Bilbao have a corner in a very good position here”….Stan Collymore, Channel 5      ” He ( John Terry) wears his shirt on his sleeve”……Ray Parlour, Sky Sports News   “It could easily end up a goalless draw if neither side scores”…..Phil Brown, Radfio 5 Live

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The dark clouds of economic turmoil are gathering, now almost everyone has cause for concern. One might have imagined that a crisis of this magnitude would preoccupy our leaders but, if the front page of the Daily Torygraph is any indication, they are still somewhat off the pace. The headline tells us that ‘Number 10 is sponsoring a guide to changing nappies. It is ridiculous, says our dear leader, that people have to take courses before driving a car yet are left unadvised on the most important task of all. Oh yes, and he plans to promote tax relief for families employing full-time nannies. On the allotments this morning there was a feeling that even more ridiculous is the fact that a Prime Minister sees a practice such as nappy drill, which is handed down from generation to generation, as a top priority and believes that most families employ nannies. He may not be, as Albert put it, three pence short of a shilling, but he appears to be heading in that direction. 

Our dear leader has also been busy lecturing the rest of Europe on the art of austerity. Hopefully the audiences will not look too closely at what it has achieved here. Absolutely nothing. The national debt continues to climb and there is little sign of any serious effort to stimulate growth without which stagnation is the very best we can hope for. Vast amounts have been poured into quantitative easing which has simply served to make the banks rich enough to start speculating again. Healthy banks in a sick society: a bad mix.

Frankly even sensible projects would attract at best lukewarm support from a society now deeply divided. Yes, much tighter monetary controls were needed but time and again the coalition has messed up the detail. Worse still it has attempted to sell cuts via demonisation. A classic example are benefit cuts. In reality only 3.4 per cent of families in receipt of long-term benefits have four or more children, yet people like Jeremy Hunt have constantly banged on about the state no longer funding “large workless families”. Benefit recipients at large have been portrayed as feckless, workshy scroungers, living in opulence funded by taxpayers. The appalling mass murder of the Philpott children last Friday may well be related to this for they were featured extensively during the election as evidence that the welfare system is out of control. 

In fact every section of our society that has so much as raised a protest at the cuts affecting them has been villified. The police spend too much time in the backroom, nurses waste time gossiping to patients, blind people fail to use their mobility, teachers are sub-standard. Step by step the government has alienated millions. And to rub salt into the wounds it has failed to do more than raise an eyebrow at the tax avoidance and obscene salaries of the top banks, businesses and tycoons.

Austerity on its own is a dubious tool at best, without a total commitment by everyone it is doomed to failure. But the good news is that we are now to have a chance to judge the alternative. The election of Francois Hollande as President of France on an anti-austerity ticket will provide an interesting contrast with what our dear leader, and his cronies, have done here.

Members of Hollande’s new governmnet took up their post yesterday. The new President pledged “dignity, simplicity and sobriety”, and made what many will see as a positive move by appointing 34 women as ministers, exactly half of the total. The new ‘cabinet’ then voted in a 30% wage reduction for all ministers and the president. Ministers were told they will be expected to adhere to a strict code of conduct. The code rules out presents and private invitations and expects ministers to travel by train. Ministers were told to stay in constant touch with the public, to use the internet extensively. Above all there must be “transparency in government”.

All of which sounds promising. Had our crowd worked to such a code the entanglement with the Murdochs would not have happened, and a better fist would have been made of getting detail right. The arrogance of people like Lansley would have been tempered by real and open communication.

Hollande has also made clear his attitude to the bankers and the very wealthy. Tax is to be raised significantly. We are constantly told that such action would lead to a mass exodus. Hollande shrugs and says it is “their choice”. He is no fool and clearly believes that no one is indispensible, particularly if by their example of greed they poison morale.

Time will tell, but there has to be another way to achieve recovery than the chaotic one we are pursuing. History tells us that unity is strength, and that is only possible if everyone feels that we are all sharing the pain. Hollande is by nature a socialist. Many years have passed since we had such an animal here and the idea will worry those who confuse the creed with communism. But it just may be the answer.

The new minister for equality and housing is Cecile Duflot, the former head of the Green Party. She said that, after the first meeting, she felt “deep emotion and enthusiasm”. The justice minister is Delphine Batho. She said that she was “extremely happy, and really enchanted”.

Can’t remember any of our lot saying such things!

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DEBATE ABOUT HONOURS RATTLES ON

The suggestion by a group of Lord Lieutenants that the word Empire should be deleted from our honours system has clearly rattled many of the old buffs who rejoice in being seen to be a member of something that no longer exists.

Suggestions for a change are pouring in, one that caught the eye focusses on the OBE. It should, says a petition, now stand for Order of the Brussels Empire. 

Nick Clegg will doubtless agree!

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I suspect that many a retired geezer rues the day that Tesco 24 came to town.  When I first escaped real life by becoming a hen-keeper I enjoyed having the perfect reason for avoiding shopping – one has to be up at first light and devote the rest of ‘shopping hours’ to cleaning-out, drinking tea and arguing with ones colleagues. Then Tesco arrived. Now it is entirely normal to be asked to pop in on the way to the allotments. This morning I joined the usual early-bird Tesco shoppers, comprising a woman in a  dressing gown whose small child screamed throughout the whole of the time I was there, plus a horde of suits who were all yelling into their mobiles whilst frantically grabbing bottled water with the other hand. I emerged from the hell-on-earth to find that, despite the car park being half-empty, someone had parked their tank so close to my old banger that getting in required unique skills that have long since deserted me.

Assuming that the yelling suits are the leaders of our business community one could only feel total confidence that we will pull out of recession any day now. I jest, but the ever gloomier economic situation is in fact worrying. Today our dear leader is to lecture EU leaders on the need for “successful austerity” threatened only by the impact of the Jubilee holiday break. Being now removed from the world of finance and business I had assumed that our version was proving rather less than successful, but who am I to doubt so great a mind?

In fact so besotted have I become with our dear leader that I tuned in yesterday to Prime Minister’s Question Time. I haven’t watched this for yonks and expected to receive carefully thought through explanantions for the burning issues such as our police shouting down the Home Secretary, the decision to take away disablement benefits from the blind, the massive tax avoidance practices of all our leading companies and other topical mysteries. I was disappointed.

If yesterday’s performance is any guide PMQT has become a modern version of Punch and Judy. The slashing of police numbers at a time of potential civil unrest was first up. Our dear leader turned into his beetroot mode and had to be urged by Ed Balls, of all people, to calm down dear. Since that was a reference to an embarrassing indiscretion by the raging Cameron, he raged even louder.

But he insisted that he was “extremely calm”. However he said it like Herbert Lom as Inspector Clouseau’s boss. You may recall the scene in which, very calmly, he slices off his finger with a cigar-cutter. Ed Miliband spotted the incipient rage. “I know you are going to have extensive training before you go before Leveson. I have a suggestion – it should include anger management”.

Our dear leader’s temper didn’t improve when he was asked about any discussions he had held with the new French president. Unfortunately our hero refused to see him when he recently visited these shores. And then came the not unexpected Miliband punch-line. Why not, he asked, send him a message and sign it LOL. The dear leader’s reply was puzzling. “Perhaps I have been overusing my mobile phone”, he said, “but at least I haven’t been throwing it at the people who work for me”. Does the meek Miliband Junior do such things or was this a reference to the long-gone Grumpy Gordon? Or even Nick Clegg? We shall never know.

Neither it seems shall we know much else about the nation’s zillion crises, for the impression gained was that the dear leader is now totally absorbed with the Murdoch threat gathering around his noble head. Miliband did make one more attempt to elicit a view about the police and NHS but this was, it seemed, the last straw.

Our dear leader flew into a rage of Prescott-like proportions. His only intelligible response of the whole show was; “I often wonder whether your problem is that you are too weak, or that you are leftwing -your problem is that you are both”. And there we had it. All this time we have been speculating as to what the dear leader was devoting his giant brain as the nation heads for the cliff. It appears that it has been exclusively devoted to little Ed.

Had the mythical little green man from Zog popped into the public gallery he would have concluded that the affairs of our country are so much in order that the leaders have time for an audition for a new comedy show.

Pointless really since the only broadcaster that would have used it now has problems of its own, the Cameron/Murdoch/ Hunt bid has failed and future shows are likely to be of a more serious nature! 

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A WARM WELCOME FROM KNACKER!

Just two of the many tributes paid to Home Secretary Theresa May when she addressed the Police Federation conference in Bournemouth yesterday;

“Home Secretary, I believe that you are a disgrace”…Dave Bennett.  “You may not like this Home Secretary, but we no longer trust you in the police service”….Simon Payne, another officer.

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THE NEW COALITION ACADEMY (with thanks to Private Eye).

Headmaster David Cameron MA; “There is a perfectly good alternative to the Austerity word – Efficiency. We are not making ‘cuts’ in teaching staff, the sanatorium, the CCF, the Art department, the building programme or indeed anything else. We are making “savings” in these areas which may, in the course of time, lead to them disappearing altogether – and what a saving that would be. I would like to thank and say goodbye to all the members of staff, too numerous to mention, who have just discovered that they are moving on to fresh opportunities and exciting new challenges at the local job centre“.

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If only chickens had better sanitary habits, they would make perfect house pets for those who suffer from the attentions of mice and whose cats, in the new age of quality cat-food, are usually too content to bother with a little hunting in the pantry. As you might expect we get plenty of attention on the allotments from Mickey’s descendants, but their numbers are kept under tight control by the hens. Chickens usually appear less active than Eric Pickles but the sight of a mouse triggers an unexpected lightning-fast reaction. One lunge, one peck and another carcass awaits us when we do the daily clean-out.

In the split second before they join Mickey in the sky, the mice must be astounded at the transformation of an ambling clucker into Jekyll. Much like our reaction this morning when we learned that Jon Cruddas, appointed yesterday as Ed Miliband’s new policy chief, used his first public comment to demand a referendum on EU membership. Up until now the Labour Party has firmly supported Britain’s continued membership of the EU, a stance that has caused great frustration to many who share the view of a majority of Conservative MPs that membership is a one-way deal, with the UK giving much and gaining nothing other than a good deal of interference and bureaucracy.

Mr Cruddas said; “This is about democracy. At certain stages the political classes should invite the people into the discussion that effects their everyday lives; none more important than Europe”. How other leading lights in the opposition will respond is going to be interesting. David Cameron is coming under increasing pressure from his backbenchers to call a referendum at a time when the whole federalist European dream is going up in smoke. Only the Lib Dems are preventing this, they seem to believe that being ruled from Brussels is the only way to a future Utopia. And up to now they have rested content in the belief that the massed ranks of Labour MPs would join them in blocking anything as outrageous as allowing the people to voice an opinion.

Before yesterday few of us had even heard of Jon Cruddas. But he has struck a chord with many, not least because he talked of “stopping this thing festering” and stressed that irrespective of where people stand on Europe, it is the right of every citizen to participate on an issue that “affects material everyday life and our culture”. Perhaps the new policy bigwig is also a shrewd politician for this looks the one issue on which the Conservative Party can save itself in the public eye.

Certain it is that it is hard to think of any other. Yesterday Rebekah Brooks came out fighting after being charged with perverting the course of justice. Her husband, Charlie Brooks, spoke of a witch hunt. Without doubt Knacker seems to have veered from doing absolutely nothing to proceeding with what are very serious charges indeed. It guarantees that the whole Brooks saga will be rearing its head in court this winter. In fact given that there may be many other charges in the pipeline, there can be little doubt that the albatross will follow our dear leader for most of the rest of this parliament. At the very least he is increasingly seen as guilty of crass misjudgement in maintaining an intimate friendship with people keen to influence the government to wave through a bid of enormous commercial and cultural significance.

But the interested spectator would be ill-advised to focus on the Rebekah Brooks aspect of the affair too closely for the real danger to David Cameron lies in the Jeremy Hunt story. Here we have clear evidence that someone in Hunt’s department was passing sensitive information to News Corp at a time when the culture secretary was supposedly acting in a quasi-judicial role following the mysterious dismissal of Vince Cable. Up until now Hunt has refused to resign and Cameron has joined hands with him. The question is did Hunt and Cameron know what was happening.

Suddenly this becomes a huge threat. Lord Leveson has decided to call both Smith and Michel, the two aides for Hunt and James Murdoch respectively, and to question them in advance of seeing Hunt. The two may attempt to argue that neither of their masters knew of the information- passing, but will anyone really believe that they were a couple of Walter Mittys overseeing, off their own bats, a multimillion takeover bid? At best it sounds fantastical.

Of course Hunt is culpable anyay given that a minister is responsible for the actions of his minions. But if he was party to it we have Watergate revisited. And that takes us to the biggest question of all, did Cameron know?

The next few weeks will be very revealing. The Labour Party will have to come clean over a referendum, and our dear leader may have to come clean on his protegee Hunt.

Watch this space!

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THEY CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

Government plans that could reduce, or even eliminate, state benefits paid to thousands of blind people have sparked a revolt by Lib Dem MPs in the latest sign of tension inside the coalition over some spending cuts.

Although Nick Clegg is supporting the plan rebels are demanding a U-turn after it emerged that many blind or partially sighted people who receive Disability Living Allowance will lose out . Mike Hancock, MP for Portsmouth South, attacked both Clegg and Cameron yesterday. He said; “It is manifestly unfair that blind people should be subjected to this additional strain and worry”.

It seems that under new assessment rules blindness will not qualify as a serious disability. To quote a certain tennis star, they cannot be serious!

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One of my fellow hen-keepers, no names no Albert, has become increasingly distracted by the endless downpours and has developed the unfortunate habit of leaving run-gates open when feeding the hens.The result is that we are suffering more escapes than Steve McQueen ever managed. Such are not a huge problem during the winter months, although it does involve a bunch of old codgers doing more sprinting than is wise. But in the summer the result can be a lot of very angry plot-holders. This morning one lady’s row of peas had vanished before one could cry ‘catch the sods’. I’m sorry to say that, like our dear leader, we codgers are suffering a distinct lack of popularity!

Being sympathetic souls we had contemplated suggesting to David Cameron that he takes the Chiltern Hundreds and joins us, but his distinct contempt for anyone reaching the venerable age of Dennis Skinner makes it unlikely that he would accept. But after the past 24 hours who knows, he may well be thinking that things couldn’t be worse.

The news that his friend Rebekah Brooks and her husband are to face serious charges will have sent shivers down whatever Old Etonians have by way of a spine. During her testimony to the Leveson Inquiry, Mr Cameron’s fellow member of the Chipping Norton set managed to drop a few bombs on the beleagured pairing of Hunt and his master. Heaven knows what will happen now!

Meantime the former head of the civil service, Lord Gus O’Donnell was demonstrating that it takes more than the gift of a peerage to silence a latter day Sir Humphrey. Lord O’Donnell was appearing before the Leveson Inquiry and was asked about the Jeremy Hunt claim that he knew nothing of his assistant’s feeding of vital information to the Murdoch camp during the BSkyB bid. The chance of Gus remaining on our dear leader’s Christmas Card list probably vanished when he said that Hunt should have known if his special adviser was giving feedback. In other words he believes that ignorance of what underlings are doing in your name is no defence.

For good measure Lord O’Donnell made damaging comment on the fact that Andy Coulson was not subjected to the usual high level of vetting at the time that Cameron appointed him. There should have been a high level of vetting, every previous incumbant of a similar post endured just that. And O’Donnell also revealed that forms disclosing any shareholdings that could lead to conflict of interests were signed but “didn’t disclose Coulson’s £40,000 of shares in News Corp”. And they should have, said the man who should know.

So the noose continued to tighten around the neck of our dear leader. And as if that wasn’t enough for one day the infamous Lansley NHS reforms resurfaced. This morning’s headlines echo the cries of liar that poured forth when the Royal College of Nursing received Lansley at its annual congress. Frankly I don’t believe that the man lies, I simply believe that he is as daft as a Basil Brush.

At  a time like this it was not a good idea to tell the nurses that staffing levels are up. Neither was it wise to use the defence that should this not be the case it is the fault of individual Trust boards. Neither was it too bright to claim that NHS funding has not been cut. Someone who knows the real facts should take brother Lansley into a darkened room and explain what is really happening.

‘Efficiency savings’ of £20 billion have been imposed on the NHS and every hospital is faced with reducing its budget by many millions. Despite what the media says, staffing levels at our leading hospitals are already very low considering the ever rising number of elderly patients. But Trusts have no alternative than to cut them further or face the bully-boys of Monitor’s board, which doesn’t number a single senior doctor amongst its number. And whilst all this mayhem is proceeding the so-called reforms are kicking in. Supposedly GPs will take over allocation of the NHS budget. Most of them refuse to get involved and commissioning consortia are emerging in their stead. In effect they are the former Health Authorities in a new coat.

One could rattle on all day about the chaos now reigning in the NHS. Frankly the plan is unworkable and really amounts to very damaging sleight of hand aimed at transferring services to the private sector. At this moment David Cameron probably sees this as of minor note compared to the developing Murdoch saga. But by the time of the next election, if he survives Murdoch, he will find that Basil Brush has lit a fire under his feet.

As if all this wasn’t enough Iain Duncan Smith held forth about the number of people who are about to lose disability allowances. Everyone is to be reassessed, he said, which sounded fair enough. But he went on to say how much will be saved expressed in very precise amounts which sounded very much as though the ‘assessments’ are pre-ordained.

Oh yes, and the William Hague and Eric Pickles demand that we all work harder drew a fierce attack from the CBI’s normally supportive John Cridland, Sainsbury’s Justin King and other leading companies. Austerity, they cry, is not working.

Come and join us dear leader. You can spin your tales to the hens with impunity, they are dafter than Andrew Lansley and do not get to vote.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY!

“A sense of something bigger and more important is crucial for the health of our society. I think that essential obligation of humility for humanity is deeply important. It keeps us from treating human beings as if they are secondary to some political purpose”… Tony Blair at yesterday’s conference in London organised by the Holy Trinity Brompton Church

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